Friday, September 22, 2006

Time to Make the Doughnuts


That's right kids, it's time to make my now legendary NFL picks for the week. My fool proof methods have garnered a 12-18 record against the spread and a 6-6 record in the under/over. Pretty good (if you're a 6 year old girl). Anyway, I've been promised by one of my contributors that this task will be taken off my hands next week, so this may be my last week of prognostication (please don't everyone cry at once). Anyway, if it is to be my last week (and just between you and me, I really don't think it will be), I want to go out in a blaze of glory. Or just ablaze. It's all semantics really. On to the picks!

Home team in Bold

Washington -4 Houston
Ok, seriously, if Washington can't cover a 4 point spread against the Texans then they deserve to wallow in politically incorrect mascot hell with the Cleveland Indians (have you ever taken a good look at the indians logo? It's hideous. I'm not a card carrying member of the PI police, but come on folks. If that's not the definition of offensive, I don't know what is. Perhaps its naming your team after the supposed skin color of a race of people. I've never actually seen a red person, but what do I know. I hear the Yankees are going to change their name to the NY Darkies. They defend the change by saying that they are just doing it to honor the mulit cultural make up of NY city. The Braves are also planning on bringing back Chief noc a homa. They claim that losing his pre-game fire dance is the reason they didn't win the division this year. The fans can't wait to have his teepee back in Centerfield). Sorry for the diatribe. I'll take Washington and the under (37.5).

Buffalo - 5.5 Jets
This looks like the right spread. I'm thinking that the Bills will win by a touchdown. They do have a distinct home field advantage, although it's not really cold up there yet and the Jets have a history of playing poorly at Rich Stadium. Take the Bills and the over (34.5)

Indianapolis -7 Jacksonville
Jacksonville is coming off a big monday night win and the Colts have started the season strong as usual. Peyton looks to be in midseason form, but I just have a feeling that the Jags are going to keep this one close. Seven seems like too many points to me. I'll take the points and the under (42.5).

Detroit -6.5 Green Bay
Who would have ever thought that we would see the day when Detroit would be a touchdown favorite over Green Bay. How far the mighty have fallen. Brett Favre should be home enjoying his retirement, but instead he has to show up every weekend to get his ass kicked by big black men. Congratulations you real man of genius. Still, a touchdown seems like a lot and I think just for old time sake, the game should be somewhat entertaining. I'll take the points and under (39).

Pittsburgh -2 Cincinnati
Big Ben played with a fever somewhere north of 100 on Monday night. He also played just 10 days after having major surgery. Looks like he's trying to get into the tough guy hall of fame. The only problem was that he stunk up the joint. If you are going to drag yourself out of your sick bed to play, then you have to lead your team to victory, otherwise you just look like an idiot who should have stayed in bed. At this point I think Cincy is the class of the AFC. They are getting 2 points and I think they'll win by a touchdown. Take the points and the under (43).

Miami -10.5 Tennessee
Let's see, Tennessee sucks. Their QB situation is terrible. They have no running game to speak of and I think their coach is about to perform Hari Kiri. All that being said, Miami has been none too impressive themselves with an 0-2 start. Culpepper has yet to resemble the QB who threw 38 TD passes just two season ago. His knee is still bothering him to a significant degree. The Titans were dismantled by Sand Diego a week ago, but I don't think that Miami has the weapons to run them off the field. The Dolphins were a sexy pre-season pick to make some noise in the AFC this year but they haven't shown anything on the field to this point. Take the points and the over (35.5).

Chicago - 3.5 Minnesota
Hey, newsflash, Chicago has an offense. After struggling much of last year to score more points per game than the Cubs, they have scored 60 in their first two games this year. Rex Grossman has looked fantastic and the defense picked up right where they left off last year. Minnesota is a surprising 2-0 and they have home field advantage. This should be a good old fashioned black and blue division game. The should wake up the echoes of the monsters of the midway and the purple people eaters. I'm not sure how much fun this game will be, but there will a lot of painkillers to pass out after it's over. I like the points and the under (35).

Carolina -3 Tampa Bay
Let's start out with my favorite topic, Chris Simms sucks! Have I said that before because it amazes me that people who should know something about this game continue to start him at QB. From Texas to Tampa Bay he has never been the best QB on the team. I don't even know who the backup in Tampa is, but I know he's better than Simms. So back to the game. Carolina should have Steve Smith back this week and that will make their entire offense better. Take Carolina and the over (34).

Baltimore -6.5 Cleveland
The Browns aren't good. That's basically it. They don't have any offensive weapons except a tight end who won't keep his mouth shut. The Baltimore defense should have a field day with this team. The Ravens are heading back to their former home, so don't look for too many welcome back signs for Art Modell. While the city of Cleveland may hold a grudge against the Ravens, I don't think that storyline means too much to the players on this years team. This one could get ugly. Give the points and take the under (33.5).

Seattle -3.5 Giants
Seattle has to show up and play like the team that got the Superbowl last year, right? Well this is the week they do. The Giants come off a big comeback win against the Eagles and it looks like Eli is starting to hit his stride. I'm not sure why I feel that the Seahawks are going to win. Perhaps it's the fact that my brain is oxygen deprived, or maybe it's the booze talking but I've got Seattle giving the points and the over (43).


Philadelphia -6.5 San Francisco
San Francisco has played remarkably well, considering how much they stunk up the bay area last year. 1-1 is certainly more than I would have expected at this point. Alex Smith has basically had the two best games of his pro career back to back. I expect that to come to an end this week. Philly is pissed about giving away a win last week and the players are going to take it out on the 49ers. Give the points and take the under (41.5).

Arizona -4.5 St. Louis
Arizona screwed me last week and I should probably pick against them out of spite. However, I'm a bigger man than that. I still think that egde is going to get it going one of these weeks, so why not this week at home. St. Louis hasn't shown much of anything this year, so I expect Arizona by a touchdown and the over (45).

New England -7 Denver
Denver is struggling. New England hasn't looked like world beaters either. Jake the Snake better show something this week or he'll be examining the clipboard on the sidelines while Jay Cutler takes his job. Jake is good at scrambling and he usually can perform when backed into a corner. Seven just seems like too many points to me. I expect NE to win but by a field goal. Take the points and the under (38.5).

Well that's it for Sunday. I'm going to hold off picking the Monday game until, well, Monday. That way I'll be able to see how badly I've done on these picks and might just forego the added embarrassment of losing again. Anyway, I'll see you all the flip side. Have a good weekend.

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