Monday, Monday

It's weekend wrap up time. For once I don't have to hang my head in shame. I can't say that my u/o picks were stellar, but if you only looked at this weeks picks, you'd think I actually know what I'm talking about.
Home team in Bold

Washington -4 Houston
Ok, seriously, if Washington can't cover a 4 point spread against the Texans then they deserve to wallow in politically incorrect mascot hell with the Cleveland Indians (have you ever taken a good look at the indians logo? It's hideous. I'm not a card carrying member of the PI police, but come on folks. If that's not the definition of offensive, I don't know what is. Perhaps its naming your team after the supposed skin color of a race of people. I've never actually seen a red person, but what do I know. I hear the Yankees are going to change their name to the NY Darkies. They defend the change by saying that they are just doing it to honor the mulit cultural make up of NY city. The Braves are also planning on bringing back Chief noc a homa. They claim that losing his pre-game fire dance is the reason they didn't win the division this year. The fans can't wait to have his teepee back in Centerfield). Sorry for the diatribe. I'll take Washington and the under (37.5).
Washington managed to maintain a shred of dignity by beating the hapless Texans. I'm sure the fans are still wishing that they had drafted Reggie Bush. I think that was the most cowardly move I've ever seen in the draft. The colts drafted John Elway even though he told them that he didn't want to play for them. Ditto for Eli Manning and the Chargers. I don't care if you think that you'll have problems signing a player, if he is the only potential difference maker in the draft, you have to sign him. I'm sure the ownership in Houston will be regretting that decision for a while. Good luck Mario Willams, you're not necessarily going to need it, given the size of that contract, but the fans are never going to let you forget that you should have been Reggie Bush. Oh yeah, the Redskins covered the spread. 1-0, 0-1 u/o.


Buffalo - 5.5 Jets
This looks like the right spread. I'm thinking that the Bills will win by a touchdown. They do have a distinct home field advantage, although it's not really cold up there yet and the Jets have a history of playing poorly at Rich Stadium. Take the Bills and the over (34.5)
The Jets looked much better in week three than they did in week two. Here's one team I just can't seem to get right. Of course I get so much wrong that one more really shouldn't make much of a difference. The Jets won on a day when they couldn't run, and really couldn't throw (Pennington passed for less than 200 yards), but they capitalized on the Bills mistakes and came away with the win. I was absolutely, completely and totally wrong on this one. Ok, I've admitted my mistake, now please stop throwing garbage at me. I don't mind the cursing and name calling, but we have to draw the line somewhere. 1-1. 1-1 u/o.

Indianapolis -7 Jacksonville
Jacksonville is coming off a big monday night win and the Colts have started the season strong as usual. Peyton looks to be in midseason form, but I just have a feeling that the Jags are going to keep this one close. Seven seems like too many points to me. I'll take the points and the under (42.5).
This one is the proverbial kissing of the sister. Jacksonville did manage to play the Colts strong and keep the game close, but unfortunately they lost by a touchdown. You can't really blame me for this one, although I know you will. I hear the chants of "Short Bus" starting up again. 1-1. 2-1 u/o.

Detroit -6.5 Green Bay
Who would have ever thought that we would see the day when Detroit would be a touchdown favorite over Green Bay. How far the mighty have fallen. Brett Favre should be home enjoying his retirement, but instead he has to show up every weekend to get his ass kicked by big black men. Congratulations you real man of genius. Still, a touchdown seems like a lot and I think just for old time sake, the game should be somewhat entertaining. I'll take the points and under (39).
Brett Favre turned back the clock for one game. Throwing 3 touchdown passes, including number 400, as the Packers won one for the Gipper. The game was certainly entertaining and featured almost 700 yards in passing. It's good to see that teams that suck can still put on an entertaining game. 2-1. 2-2 u/o.

Pittsburgh -2 Cincinnati
Big Ben played with a fever somewhere north of 100 on Monday night. He also played just 10 days after having major surgery. Looks like he's trying to get into the tough guy hall of fame. The only problem was that he stunk up the joint. If you are going to drag yourself out of your sick bed to play, then you have to lead your team to victory, otherwise you just look like an idiot who should have stayed in bed. At this point I think Cincy is the class of the AFC. They are getting 2 points and I think they'll win by a touchdown. Take the points and the under (43).
The Bengals still look like the best team in the AFC and Carson Palmer will only get better as time goes on. He threw for 4 TD's and the Bengals won by 8. It's almost like I'm psychic. Of course you could also believe that I'm blind if you saw last weeks picks. I'm on a roll. 3-1. 2-3 u/o.

Miami - 10.5 Tennessee
Let's see, Tennessee sucks. Their QB situation is terrible. They have no running game to speak of and I think their coach is about to perform Hari Kiri. All that being said, Miami has been none too impressive themselves with an 0-2 start. Culpepper has yet to resemble the QB who threw 38 TD passes just two season ago. His knee is still bothering him to a significant degree. The Titans were dismantled by Sand Diego a week ago, but I don't think that Miami has the weapons to run them off the field. The Dolphins were a sexy pre-season pick to make some noise in the AFC this year but they haven't shown anything on the field to this point. Take the points and the over (35.5).
The Dolphins managed to win, but I think this was more a case of Tennessee being unable to score more than 10 points, than Miami being the better team. Tennessee is now looking for Vince Young to actually start in the coming weeks. I mean, really, it can't get much worse. Why not Vince. He was Superman in college, so given their current situation, it's time to get him in with the big boys and see what he can do. As far as Miami is concerned, they have to really worried about Dante Culpepper. He looks like someone who is pretending to be Dante Culpepper. They might be in for a long season if his knee doesn't improve. 4-1. 2-4 u/o.

Chicago - 3.5 Minnesota
Hey, newsflash, Chicago has an offense. After struggling much of last year to score more points per game than the Cubs, they have scored 60 in their first two games this year. Rex Grossman has looked fantastic and the defense picked up right where they left off last year. Minnesota is a surprising 2-0 and they have home field advantage. This should be a good old fashioned black and blue division game. The should wake up the echoes of the monsters of the midway and the purple people eaters. I'm not sure how much fun this game will be, but there will a lot of painkillers to pass out after it's over. I like the points and the under (35).
Once again, I'm a prophet. A good old fashioned defensive struggle. The Bears look like the real deal, but so do the Vikings. They are playing a lot better than I thought they would and losing a tough one at home shouldn't derail them. It looks like it's going to be a battle between these two for the Norse division title. I also got this one right and pushed on the u/o. 5-1. 2-4 u/o.

Carolina -3 Tampa Bay
Let's start out with my favorite topic, Chris Simms sucks! Have I said that before because it amazes me that people who should know something about this game continue to start him at QB. From Texas to Tampa Bay he has never been the best QB on the team. I don't even know who the backup in Tampa is, but I know he's better than Simms. So back to the game. Carolina should have Steve Smith back this week and that will make their entire offense better. Take Carolina and the over (34).
Having Steve Smith back made all the difference in the world for the Panthers as they managed to score more than one touchdown. Chris Simms lost a Spleen along with another game. Apparently he played much of the second half with internal bleeding. Clearly he knew that if he came off the field, he might never get out there again. Major Applewhite anyone? Seriously Chris, get well. And start looking for another job. 5-2. 3-4 u/o.

Baltimore -6.5 Cleveland
The Browns aren't good. That's basically it. They don't have any offensive weapons except a tight end who won't keep his mouth shut. The Baltimore defense should have a field day with this team. The Ravens are heading back to their former home, so don't look for too many welcome back signs for Art Modell. While the city of Cleveland may hold a grudge against the Ravens, I don't think that storyline means too much to the players on this years team. This one could get ugly. Give the points and take the under (33.5).
Who knew the Browns were going to play like they actually cared. Certainly not me. The Baltimore defense did it's job, but the offense played a fairly indifferent game. If not for a 4th quarter comeback, the Ravens would have inexplicably lost this game. I guess Cleveland still does hold a grudge against Art Modell. Who knew?
5-3. 4-4 u/o.

Seattle -3.5 Giants
Seattle has to show up and play like the team that got the Superbowl last year, right? Well this is the week they do. The Giants come off a big comeback win against the Eagles and it looks like Eli is starting to hit his stride. I'm not sure why I feel that the Seahawks are going to win. Perhaps it's the fact that my brain is oxygen deprived, or maybe it's the booze talking but I've got Seattle giving the points and the over (43).
It's like I had a crystal ball with this one. Seattle played the first half like they invented the game of football. The score at the end of the third quarter was 42-3. That is a major ass kicking the Giants scored 27 inconsequential points in the 4th quarter to make the score respectable, but the game was over by halftime. By the way, I'm starting to feel sorry for those people who make Alexander their number one pick in fantasy football. He averaged under 3 yards a carry on Sunday and it certainly looks like there's something just not right with him. Anyway, I digress. It was another absolutely spot on prediction by yours truly. I think I'm starting to get a big head. And no, it's not the steroids. Stop spreading dirty rumors about me. I've never even been anywhere near Balco. AND IF YOU DON'T STOP TALKING ABOUT ME I'M GOING TO RIP YOUR HEAD OFF AND SHIT DOWN YOUR NECK. Oh, sorry, I just get a little angry sometimes. NO, IT'S NOT ROID RAGE. SCREW YOU, ASSWIPE! 6-3. 5-4 u/o.

Philadelphia -6.5 San Francisco
San Francisco has played remarkably well, considering how much they stunk up the bay area last year. 1-1 is certainly more than I would have expected at this point. Alex Smith has basically had the two best games of his pro career back to back. I expect that to come to an end this week. Philly is pissed about giving away a win last week and the players are going to take it out on the 49ers. Give the points and take the under (41.5).
Philadelphia certainly brought out their "A" game against the 49er's. The Eagles destroyed the 49er's and tried to wash out the lingering taste of their overtime loss to the Giants. That taste is going to linger however, until they get a chance to redeem themselves at Giants Stadium. It's like eating a dip at a party that you think is made of red peppers and then finding out it's eggplant, and you hate eggplant. In fact eggplant makes you want to throw up. It must be something like that. 7-3. 5-5 u/o.

Arizona -4.5 St. Louis
Arizona screwed me last week and I should probably pick against them out of spite. However, I'm a bigger man than that. I still think that egde is going to get it going one of these weeks, so why not this week at home. St. Louis hasn't shown much of anything this year, so I expect Arizona by a touchdown and the over (45).
Arizona screwed me again. Why on earth would I think that I should have any faith in this team. Kurt Warner threw three interceptions and is singlehandedly trying to initiate the Matt Leinart era in Arizona. I hate this team. I'm sure I'll f#$K up the next pick with them as well. I never liked you Warner. The only Superbowl I attended was when New England beat you in New Orleans. I was rooting against you then. I was glad that you lost. Go back to the arena league. Go back to stocking groceries. I don't care where you go, just go somewhere else. You suck! 7-4. 5-6 u/o.

New England -7 Denver
Denver is struggling. New England hasn't looked like world beaters either. Jake the Snake better show something this week or he'll be examining the clipboard on the sidelines while Jay Cutler takes his job. Jake is good at scrambling and he usually can perform when backed into a corner. Seven just seems like too many points to me. I expect NE to win but by a field goal. Take the points and the under (38.5).
The Broncos and the Patriots put on a snooze fest on Sunday night. Jake Plummer managed to minimize the mistakes and Tom Brady spent the entire night complaining about his receivers. Ok, he never actually complained, but he was thinking it. He misses his boyfriend Deion Branch. Boo hoo, Tom. Boo freaking hoo. Jake gets to keep his job for at least one more week. 8-4. 6-6 u/o.

Well, it looks like I was close to evening up my season record. My current picks leave me at 20-22 against the spread and 12-12 for the u/o. Wow, who knew that mediocrity could feel so good. After last weeks debacle I was sure that I was a train bound for permanent enrollment at stupid school. This can only be a sign of more middling picking to come. By the way, the SM(trademark pending) went 9-3 last week for an overall record of 25-17 for the season. If you eliminate the horrendous week 2, the SM has a record of 20-7. I guess Bruce was on to something there. As I said last week, I'm supposed to relieved of prognostication duties next week, so this may have been my last foray into the world of football picks. I'm glad that I was able to go out a winner and to all my fan(s)(Thanks, Mom) out there, thanks for tuning in and making this such a worthwhile endeavor. See you all on the flip side.