Friday, October 27, 2006

Week 8: Baseball? Still?


A few thoughts before we get to it this week. And a few more before I grade myself on a curve for my most recent performance.

Why is there still baseball on TV? Seriously, why isn’t this over yet? Halloween is in four days. Isn’t this dragging on a little long? Are these boys going to have to play baseball in November? In Detroit? It's not that I hate baseball, mind you, but this was a little much. Congratulations to the Cards. I lived in St. Louis for a few years in the mid to late 80s, so I don't have a problem with the way things turned out.

I am LOVING Friday Night Lights. Best thing I’ve seen on TV in a long, long time. But one thing troubles me. Jason was paralyzed like three weeks ago. Couldn’t his girlfriend wait to hook up with his best friend until, I don’t know, prom or something? I guess Tim is supposed to be fucked up so it’s expected, but Lyla has been shoving her good girl, church bake sale perkiness in everyone’s face since day one. I hope she gets crabs. I also hope I’m not supposed to be rooting for these two douchebags just because the actor who plays Tim is such a fox. How can you look at the picture that blogmaster MYCUE posted and not want to watch this show?

Please see my esteemed colleague’s post below on the state of the Dallas Cowboys. It’s all true. I'll get to this later.

Do you know what one of the headlines on dallascowboys.com is today? “Emmitt Advances With Waltz and Mambo.” For the love of God, Emmitt, please get off that dancing travesty on ABC. Do you think Walter Peyton would have appeared on television prancing around in sequins to the soundtrack from The Love Boat? Nothing more to add to this, because I'm still right.

On to the business at hand. Home teams in bold:

Tennessee (-3) Houston
The team of George Bush I vs. the team of Vince Young. The greater Texan will prevail, and he plays in Tennessee. One point for me and all right thinking Americans across the land.

Philadelphia (-7) Jacksonville
It occurs to me that the Eagles might keep losing because I keep picking them. If that’s the case, let the tradition continue ‘cause I’m picking them again! I'm taking half a point for this for having the foresight to recognize the correlation between my confidence in the Eagles and their losing games.

Cincinnati (-4) Atlanta
Bengals again for my Dad. Plus, like half the Falcons starters are hurt. Dad was sad. I need to update my thinking on Michael Vick.

NY Giants (-9) Tampa Bay
Crazy spread. Giants are all banged up. No way they cover a nine point line. Apparently Vegas is smarter than me.

Chicago (-16) San Francisco
Awesome as Chicago now appears, the only team they’ve played thus far that can really be considered good(ish) is Seattle. Happily for the Bears that trend continues this week when the 49ers come to town. Up to this point the Bears have won at home by an average of about 30 points, which I guess makes the line acceptable. If Dallas had beaten the Giants last week, they'd be good enough for me to really enjoy San Francisco's meltdown.

Green Bay (-4.5) Arizona
For no reason whatsoever, I think Arizona is going to win this game. I think I’ll have one of these a week. One decision based on nothing but a hazy notion that a crappy team will pull itself up by the bootstraps for three hours on Sunday and conquer a slightly less crappy or even somewhat mediocre team. Arizona, this is your time to shine. You know how sometimes you get drunk and something like, I don't know, making out with another girl for $5 while some random dude takes a picture seems like a really good idea? And then you wake up the next day and you know something bad happened the night before but you can't quite put you're finger on it, and then you order a cheeseburger and settle in for an afternoon of watching TV, and as you're flipping through the channels you see that the Drew Barrymore classic Never Been Kissed is on, and you think to yourself, "Why does that title resonate with me this morning?" And then suddenly the memory pierces through the alcoholic fog and you're immediately so mortified that you have to put a pillow over your head because you're literally about to die of shame? I hope that's how Matt Leinart feels this morning.

Kansas City (-6.5) Seattle
Is any team more relieved that the Chiefs this week? You get to play the Seahawks while they’re missing both Hasselbeck AND Alexander? Naturally none of us are ever, ever happy to see injuries, but do you think that maybe in the Kansas City locker room this week it might have felt that God was smiling down on them? Just a little bit? Back to being right.

New Orleans (-2.5) Baltimore
I hate to keep harping on this, but one city has had to overcome unprecedented catastrophe in the face of overwhelming Federal incompetence and indifference, and that city will still let you walk into a bar on a Sunday morning and get a Bloody Mary in a to-go cup. You know what happens when you visit the other city? You end up spending three hours in line at the DMV because some asshole stole your wallet out of your car. Dude, the radio was right there. You could have gotten more money for that, and it would have been easier for me to replace. The city of Baltimore will never pay enough for that. Like all right thinking people, I will be cheering for New Orleans this weekend. I hate Baltimore.

San Diego (-9.5) St. Louis
Nine and a half points?!?! That makes no sense to me. Am I back to totally misreading the Rams? Probably, but they’re not this bad. More to the point, the Chargers aren’t this good. Vegas is a lot smarter than me.

Pittsburgh (-9) Oakland
The Raiders already have one win more than a lot of people were saying they would get all season. That’s going to have to be enough for them this week. Pittsburgh is the better team and needs this game a whole lot more. Wait, what? One of these teams won the Super Bowl last year. The other is Oakland. Having watched the dreamiest QB to ever put on silver pants (I love you Troy! Now and forever!) succomb to something like 14 too many concussions, I have to say, Ben, take a break man. You're still a kid (who I may have made out with...)

Cleveland (-2) NY Jets
I like Cleveland here, primarily because I really want to believe that the Jets aren’t quite as good as their record would suggest. And I am right. I'd like to dedicate this Jets loss to my ex-boyfriend. I hope it hurts.

Denver (-3) Indianapolis
Woo boy. Who do we think will choke first, Manning or Plummer? They’re both so adept at self-destructing, but their styles are so different. Manning isn’t flashy; he just quietly slips into mediocrity. Plummer flips fate the bird and starts tossing the ball up in the air with his eyes closed (“Let me ask you something. When you threw that pass last week, that game winning pass, were your eyes closed?” “No sir, they were open. My eyes were wide open.” Yeah they were! Damn, that’s a good show.). I’m not sure there’s enough riding on this game for Manning to blow it, though, so let’s go with the Colts. So are we all back to loving Peyton Manning? Playoffs are still two months away, so I guess it's safe.

Carolina (-5.5) Dallas
Does is really matter? Stupid cowboys. I’d also like to point out that this is the second week I’m going to get stuck staying up late to watch them play. I guess I hope they blow it early (again), so I don’t get stuck watching their patented Midnight Meltdown. Okay, I didn't actaully predict anything here, but I'm taking two points for this anyway. Tony Romo had a better than average first game tonight. Not perfect (Did anyone roll their eyes when Madden busted out with the first Joe Montana comparison? At one point he also said, "There is nothing worse than losing. On the other hand, there's nothing better than winning." Thanks Obi-Wan. I admit to going into this game with a heavy heart, but I'm in a surprisingly good mood today.

New England (-2.5) Minnesota
New England, but it doesn’t matter. Catch the highlights on Tuesday. FNL is on NBC at 10:00 EST, and you should be watching that instead. It’s Rivalry Week, and one small town is coming apart at the seams. Can a new Coach and his young charges pull together in time to get the win they all so desperately need (And can Lyla please stop fucking her paralyzed boyfriend’s best friend already)? Who cares? Watch Friday Night Lights. 10:00 EST. There will still be two hours left of the game when the show ends.

Results:
7.5 out of 13. A marked improvement.

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1 Comments:

Blogger ABY said...

I think Emmy looks Faab-u-las Dah-ling! Just coz YOU'VE got two left feet!!

2:30 PM  

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