Friday, October 12, 2007

NFL picks from the bottom of a glass: lost somewhere in america.

there’s a place in America where a kid doesn’t discuss batting averages with his boys as he waits in line to walk through the metal detectors at school. a place where the same kid doesn’t worry about what color hat he has on, and whether he needs to change it before heading to the park in someone else’s turf. yes, somewhere, far, far away from hustle and bustle of midtown traffic a child is playing catch with his father in the backyard, and only thinking one thing:

i hope dad drops one before i do.

the grass is just as green here as it is in Yankee stadium. only the kid doesn’t appreciate it. because grass is supposed to be green where this kid lives, there’s plenty of it, and he’s well aware of it because his one job on Saturday is to mow it.

(cue soft, whiny violin music)

i don’t expect you to understand it. many of you haven’t stepped foot out of Manhattan since Clinton was running things, Cecil Fielder was on first base, and gray’s papaya only charged $1.50 for two dogs and a drink (the recession special was awesome).

sure, you went home for a holiday or two. you spent the time explaining to your aunt Edna that six friends with part-time jobs could never afford a place that big near central park—even if it was rent controlled. and if you’re traveled, you might have even visited someplace you described around the water-cooler as “quaint”. but chances are, you haven’t lived middle America in quite some time.

this is middle America. beaming with values. chock-full of morals. completely devoid of dirt, grit, and struggling passion. i’ve found myself in the middle of it for 345 days, 3 hours, and 17 minutes. and from what i can tell, everywhere but NY is bosox country.

i could continue but since the season is over, here are my NFL picks:

Minnesota at Chicago
this will come down to how well the viking running backs can fare against the bears d-line. duh. vikings come out big. Adrian Peterson has a career game.
the line says bears. smart money is on the vikings (and by smart, i mean slightly inebriated and highly-delusional). but look forward to Robbie Gould having two 50+ yard field goals and possibly a blocked xpa.

Miami at Cleveland
Cleveland is favored. unfortunately, griese has been sucking down cosmo’s since the final game of the ALDS. and we all know what a few days of cosmo-drinking can do to your judgement. one time, i passed out on the f train and woke up in Weehawken. try explaining that one. anyhow, take Miami. they have prettier colors.

Washington at green bay
green bay is 4-1 (they won 80% of their games). the redskins are 3-1 (and only won 75% of their games). i’m no statistician, but 80 is bigger than 75. logic says go with green bay. unfortunately, Favre's cataracts are going to act up and most of his passes are going to be short. i’d put half my money on green bay, half my money on Washington, and just pray for a tie.

Cincinnati at Kansas city
no one wins because they are both losers--regardless of the line.

Tennessee at Tampa bay
whenever you hear the words, “Vince young,” do you also hear Eddie Murphy impersonating a middle-aged, obese woman chanting, “he’s the man, he’s the man, he’s the man?” i guess i’m the only one. despite the odds, take Tennessee. superman will “will” them to victory.

st. Louis at Baltimore
this match up was something i was looking forward to when they released the schedules last year. now, not so much. take Baltimore. take the points. take the game off and spend some time with a loved one. or call your grandma. she hasn’t heard from you for a long time anyway.

Houston at Jacksonville
kubiac is the greatest coach ever. period. elway is proof of that (he won superbowls when kubiac was sending in signals). end of story. unless Houston is on the road, playing a team with only three syllables. jack-son-ville is favored in this one. Jacksonville wins, but only by a field goal. dayne has 100 yards. and some loser proposes to his wife during half-time. unfortunately, she’s stuck in line trying to buy him a chili-dog. “the thought matters” principle is tested and finally breaks, forever ending quips from chip in the mail room. so we got that going for us, which is nice.

Philadelphia at NY jets
when in doubt, take the home team, unless they are playing in another team’s home stadium. yeah, the jet’s are screwed. but look at it this way, 36% of new yorkers won’t be complaining about the Yankees.

Carolina at Arizona
arizona is favored here. if it weren’t for the fact that i really have to go to the bathroom, i’d try to find out why. regardless, kurt warner is starting. this is a guy who bagged groceries to make ends meet for his wife and seven children while he waited for his one shot in the nfl, only to get it, get named nfl mvp twice, and then sent to bench. how can this go wrong for arizona? take them.

Oakland at San Diego
san diego is favored large. but this is the afc west (which used to stand for something). i’m going out on a limb here taking the raiders. btw: LT fails to live up to the hype once again. sit him in your fantasy leagues.

New England at Dallas
Jesus, how many games are there? i’ve been writing for like an hour now. damn. brady is a better field general than romo. moss and owens cancel each other out. folk has a career game. and that’s the problem. the cowboys don’t find the end zone. pats by 7 plus.

New Orleans at Seattle
remember that girl you met at summer camp back in 6th grade? the two of you wrote each other constantly through the ensuing school year? compliments turned into flirtation? pictures were exchanged. yet, you couldn't explain to your buddies why she was always wearing the same outfit? then, summer camp came around again, and you got the courage to sneak out of the cabin, steal a canoe, and head over to the other side of the lake to see her? remember how disappointed you where when you found out she was a boy? yeah, same thing. this match-up had a amazing promise, long, long, ago.

take Seattle, if only because they are home.

NY Giants at Atlanta
i’ve already told you that jets will lose. which means that some NY sports team has to win. the Yankees are done playing for the year. by default, the giants win. Tiki barber steals the show with two off-color comments about the coaching staff.

well, there you have it.

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2 Comments:

Anonymous Pauly B said...

I love it BHart. Nice work. Once again written like a litteral genius! Keep it up (the writing, I mean).

8:58 AM  
Blogger Mycue23 said...

Brandon, You are the man!

9:26 AM  

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