Monday, October 02, 2006

The End of the Line


Really, seriously, this time I've been promised that next week there will be someone else making the picks. I think that's a good thing because I really suck at this. Anyway, without any further ado, lets get to the recap.
Home team in Bold

San Diego - 2.5 Baltimore
A battle of unbeatens in Baltimore. San Diego is coming off a bye week and look to be in good shape. Baltimore had an usually tough time with Cleveland last week. What does all this mean? I have no freaking idea. This is a field goal game. The question is which way will it go. The SM says take Baltimore. I'm going to be contrary and say take San Diego and give the points. By the way, a little know fact is that the Germans named San Diego, which of course means "a whale's vagina".
Score one for Bruce. Baltimore came up big at home. The defense shut down the San Diego attack, which had taken advantage of some weak competition to this point. San Diego falls from the ranks of the unbeaten and Baltimore maintains it's perfect record. I know this is going to come as a shock to you all, but once again, I was wrong.
0-1. SM 1-0.


Carolina -7 New Orleans
Apparently the strong start by the saints has left Las Vegas unimpressed. Despite a 3-0 record they enter the game a touchdown underdog to the struggling Panthers. I'm not sure why the spread is so big, but this looks like a mistake to me. The SM says take New Orleans. I'll have to agree on this one and take the points as well.
Whoopee! I get one right. Carolina and the Saints put on a 4th quarter show, but the Panthers came out on top. They didn't cover that ridiculous spread and I get my first win of the week. You like me! You really like me!
1-1. SM 2-0.


Miami -3.5 Houston
Miami has looked pretty bad through the first three weeks of the season. They managed a win last week, but it was a struggle. The Texans have yet to win this year but at least they have shown the ability to score some points. Dante Culpepper is still performing like the artist formely known as Dante Culpepper, so I'm thinking that this is as good a spot for Houston's first win as any. The SM takes Houston. I'll agree and take the points.
Wow, this once again makes it look like I know what I'm talking about. The Texans did indeed get their first win of the year. The Dolphins are looking more and more like one of the worst teams in the AFC. In fact, if it weren't for the hapless Raiders, they might be the worst team in the conference. Congratulations to all of you who picked Dante Culpepper in your fantasy drafts. I'm pretty sure it's too late for a refund.
2-1. SM 3-0.


Indianapolis -9 Jets
The Jets are an enigma. They have no offense at all last week and yet they went into Buffalo and came out with a win. The Colts played a tough game against the Jags last week, but are still undefeated. I expect that Peyton Manning will torch the suspect secondary of the Jets for a few touchdowns. The question is, will that be enough to cover the 9 points? The SM says take the Jets. The SM especially likes home underdogs by more than a touchdown. I'll take the Colts and give the points in this one.
The Jets, who got lit up by the Buffalo passing game, somehow managed to keep Peyton Manning to just over 200 yards through the air. The Jets really are a hard team to figure. They really don't have much of an offense and yet they are managing to stay competitive in every game they play. I don't understand it. Or maybe I'm just a moron. It's 50/50 at this point.
2-2. SM 4-0.


Dallas -9.5 Tennessee
Tennessee is sticking with Kerry Collins for at least another week, but I expect that Vince Young will be at the ready on the bench. The Titans offense is still pretty much a mess and I don't expect that they'll turn that around this week. The Cowboys have problems of their own. Terry Glen is slightly banged up and TO, well lets just say that a trip to the hospital for a drug overdose or whatever the hell that was is not exactly the best way to prepare for an upcoming game. TO still has a broken bone in his hand and I have no idea how effective he can be. Bledsoe will be starting this week, but I think that he too is on a short leash. Tony Romo is keeping his arm warm. The SM says the Titans will cover at home. I have to agree on this one. I just don't think that this is a 10 point game.
Well, no one told me that the Titans were going to start Vince Young. That changes everything. I'll take the Cowboys and give the points. What's that? The game's over. The Cowboys won by 31 points. Well of course they did. Who the hell bets on a rookie in his first start to cover the spread? What's that? I did. You hate me! You really hate me! The SM suffers it's first loss of the weekend.
2-3. SM 4-1.


Atlanta -7.5 Arizona
Arizona has burned me every week this year. I'm sure they will manage to trip me up again this week. It's like they have a personal grudge against me or something. The Falcons got beat pretty bad on Monday in New Orleans, so they should be plenty angry and ready to put a hurtin' on somebody. That somebody is going to be Kurt Warner. I think we may see Matt Leinart before the end of this game. The SM says take Arizona. I'm going with Atlanta to win by two touchdowns.
I'm back people! To all of you out there who had no faith in me, I'm just going to say that I knew that I wouldn't lose every single remaining game. Matt Leinart did indeed make an appearance in the second half of this game. He sucked too. The Falcons ran all over the Cardinals and won by three touchdowns. I was off on that point, but unbelievably, this game went according to my plan. I'm right on the heels of the famed SM. It won't last.
3-3. SM 4-2.


Buffalo -1 Minnesota
This is basically a pick 'em game. Both teams are coming off touch losses at home. The Vikings lost late in the game to Chicago and the Bills mixed a great offensive output with turnovers to somehow lose to the Jets. I think the Vikings are the better team at this point. Buffalo does have a strong home field advantage, but it didn't do them much good against the Jets. The SM takes the Vikings and I'm going along for the ride on this one.
I was wrong. Ok, I said it. Are you happy now? No. Well you can't kick me in the nuts anymore, so I guess you're just going to have to take my first born. Although the jokes on you, because all those kicks have rendered me impotent. Who's laughing now? Anyway, not much else to say. I guess the Buffalo home field advantage showed up this week. God hates me.
3-4. SM 4-3.


Kansas City -7 San Francisco
San Francisco has played better than expected to this point. They did get the snot beat out them last week by the Eagles, but that was to be expected. The Chiefs have Larry Johnson, which always makes them dangerous, but they are starting Damon Huard at QB. Who the hell is Damon Huard you ask? Exactly is all I have to say to that. The SM takes San Fran and so am I.
I couldn't have been more wrong on this one if I tried. Damon Huard was practically flawless and Alex Smith turned into, well, Alex Smith. I don't know if I'm an idiot for picking this, but I can say that this will definitely be the lowpoint of the season for me.
3-5. SM 4-4.


St. Louis -6 Detroit
The Rams are six point favorite over the winless Lions. These are not exactly high powered offenses. The Rams are a long way from the "greatest show on turf" days. And Detroit hasn't been the same since Barry Sanders left. Hell, they weren't that great when he was there. The Lions drafted a WR as their number one pick for three years in a row. Roy Willams is the only one who has turned out to be a smart pick. The SM says take Detroit. I'm picking the Rams because they are at home and because honestly, I'm midly retarded.
The Rams coverd the spread with a late touchdown and just like that I've tied the SM for this week. It was an unexpected offensive show from these teams, which I certainly didn't expect. Roy Williams was great, but the Rams showed vestiges of the greatest show on turf and Bulger passed for over 300 yards. I'm on a roll! Should I feel good that I've tied the SM when we are both under .500? Screw it. You have to take it where you can get it. I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!
4-5. SM 4-5.


Cleveland -3 Oakland
How bad do you have to be to be a field goal underdog at home to a winless team? Oakland Raiders bad. The Browns come in after a near win versus the Ravens. That is enough to make them favorites in this game. The Raiders are absolutely lost at this point. Al Davis must be rolling over in his grave. What's that you say? He's not dead. His team sure as hell is. They have one the NFL's best weapons in Randy Moss but they can't get the ball to him. Their QB sucks and overall they have the worst offense in the league. Cleveland's offense isn't much better, but they have at least shown the ability to get the ball to their offensive stars. The SM says take the Raiders. I don't think this the week they get their first win. I'll give the points and take the Browns.
The Raiders are pitiful. The couldn't beat the Browns at home although they did manage to score more than one touchdown. I'm not sure how that happened. The Raiders passed for a total of 68 yards! I think I could pass for 68 yards. Randy Moss caught one pass for 5 yards. He's going to be demanding a trade in, three, two...Unfortunately, the Raiders managed to lose by 3 points, so this one is a push. I hate the goddamn push. I'd rather lose. Ok, maybe not lose, but this really sucks.
4-5. SM 4-5.


Jacksonville -3 Washington
Washington managed to beat Houston last week, and in the process Mark Brunell set a record for consecutive completions. The Jacksonville defense will present a little more a challenge for Mr. Brunell this weekend. Jacksonville lost a tough game to the Colts last week, but their defense has proven to be teams strongest weapon. The SM takes the Redskins but I'll take the Jags.
The Jags got beat in overtime by the Skins and gave up 36 points. So much for the 3rd best defense in the NFL. I guess I underestimated the Redskins offense, which I'm prone to do because I hate them. Oh well, another week down the drain. I swear that one of these weeks, I'm going to beat the SM. I'm also going to start paying attention in school and I'm going to get a good job and I'm going to quit smoking and I'm going to settle down and I'm going to start exercising and I'm...Sorry about that. I lost my mind for just a second.
4-6. SM 5-5.


Cincinnati -6 New England
I'm sure it's been a while since the Patriots have given this many points to a team. They are a team in decline at this point. The Bengals are a team on the rise and may be the best team in the AFC. As long as Carson Palmer continues to throw the ball well, I think that the Bengals will be just fine. The SM takes the Patriots, I'm going with the Bengals.
The Patriots beat the shit out of the Bengals. I guess they're not the best team in the AFC. I know the Patriots aren't either, but at least they showed up to play. This was just an embarrassing performance. I guess, Palmer isn't all the way back yet. I still think that the Bengals will prove to be the best team in the AFC by season's end, but what do I know. I thought that New Coke was the greatest thing since sliced bread. This loss assures another losing week for me. I know what you're saying, "Mike, did you expect anything else"? I did. I'm also the guy who thinks he's going to win the lottery everytime he plays it. Although it seems like I have the endless free time of someone who lives the life of leisure, I unfortunately have never won the lottery. Does that make me an optimist or an idiot. I'll leave that to you to figure out. I would do it but I have to go and play the lottery.
4-7. SM 6-5.


Chicago -3.5 Seattle
Shaun Alexander is not going play in this game. He hasn't been effective this season anyway, so I'm not sure how much of a loss that is going to be. Despite his claim that the Lord has healed him, the coaching staff thought better of playing him this week. The Lord does work in mysterious ways, but healing a RB's broken bone? I don't think so. The Chicago defense has been it's usual stingy self and they have shown more offensive firepower than I believed they possessed. I'm starting to get on the Bears bandwagon. This is a statement game for them. This could be a real passing of the torch for best team in the NFC. Or not. The SM takes Seattle. I'm taking Da Bearse! Da Bearse!
I've redeemed myself with this one. It's seems that when I'm right about these games, I'm almost spot on. However, I'm mostly wrong, although you really didn't have to remind me of that fact. That's not very nice of you. I'm starting to think that you're just not a very nice person. Wait a minute. Who the hell am I talking to? Forget I said anything. Let's just move one. The Bearse looked awesome and the Seahawks looked like do-do. The Bearse have taken the mantle of the best team in the NFC, maybe in all of football. The Bears performance can be summed up in one word: Supercalifragalisticexpialidocious. Look it up in the dictionary. It means good.
5-7. SM 6-6.


Well, that's it for the week. Another losing week. At least the SM didn't destroy me. I'm happy to pass the torch to Toby for the upcoming weeks. I'm sure she'll do a much better job than I did. So keep an out of for the "Chick Picks", starting next week. Anyway the baseball playoffs are about to start and I'll be busy for a while. Hopefully a long while. The Yankees enter the playoffs as favorites (just like the last 6 postseasons), let's keep our fingers crossed that the ride lasts a little longer than last year. See you all at the ballpark.

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