Week 5: Football picks with 100% more Estrogen!

As promised, I’m here for you MYCUE23! Guest writer finally reporting to make her picks for Week 5. Full disclosure: for better or worse, I am a Cowboys fan, now and forever. (Save the booing and hissing. You’re not going to come up with anything I haven’t already heard.) Also, many moons ago I won a radio football pool by picking every game correctly that weekend. It’s made me something of a legend to the three or four people who heard me on the radio that day. Sadly, I don’t think I’ve had a picked even half the games on any given weekend right since. Let’s see if I can turn things around here, shall we? On to the picks (As always, home teams are in bold.):

Indianapolis (-19) Tennessee
This would be a great game if it were taking place two years from now, by which point Vince Young will have gotten back to the business of being awesome. For now, take the Colts, because at the moment I’m hard pressed to come up with one good thing to say about Tennessee. And nobody kicks more ass in meaningless games than Peyton Manning.

Giants (-4.5) Washington
Washington sucks. I mean, they always suck, but this year, they objectively suck. Yeah, they have their moments, but I remain unconvinced. Their most dominating performance has come against the Texans, the JV squad of the NFL. The Giants have had their bye and plenty of time to lick their wounds, and hopefully somebody has sat them down and explained to them, using small words and charts if necessary, that the points scored in the first three quarters count too. I also find the idea that Washington will win three in a row to awful to contemplate. New York should carry this one.

Minnesota (-6.5) Detroit
I hate games like this. Two not very good teams squaring off to make sure that the requisite number of games will be played this weekend. I think Detroit is at least heading in the right direction, but it’s going to take some time. Minnesota has settled in to mediocrity, and I see no evidence that they will get be getting better anytime soon. That being said, the Metrodome is still a tough place to play, and I don’t see Detroit pulling off the upset just yet.

New Orleans (-6.5) Tampa Bay
I love Drew Brees, and I love New Orleans. Go team! I am officially jumping on this bandwagon while there is still room. They may be headed for a fall, but it’s not going to be at the hands of the Bucs who appear to be descending into a Raiders-like abyss.

St Louis (-3) Green Bay
Hopping back in my time machine, I’d say that if this game were taking place five years ago, the Packers would have this one in the bag. Favre would have been good and pissed following last week’s debacle, and he’d want to show off at home. Plus, really, this is as good as St. Louis is going to get, and they’ve already lost to San Francisco. However, Favre is not that same guy, and the Packers defense scares precisely nobody. Though I remain unconvinced that the Rams should be 4-1, they will be.

New England (-10) Miami
Well I think we can all say that Culpepper was clearly not the solution to the many, many problems the Dolphins are facing. I can’t heap all the blame on him either, because nothing, absolutely nothing, looks good for Miami right now. I don’t think there is one player in Miami who can watch game film and say, “Well, at least that looks good.” New England should be able to brush off these sad little Dolphins without so much as mussing Tom Brady’s hair.

Chicago (-10) Buffalo
I have a friend who loves the Bills. This is going to be a sad weekend for him. He still has an OJ poster, though, so really, he kind of deserves to be sad.

Carolina (-8.5) Cleveland
Carolina seems to have turned things around, and they’re at home. The Browns are still the Browns, and they’re on the road. Panthers take this one.

Jacksonville (-7) Jets
All I ever do when I bet on Jets games is lose money. I have never really understood this team, and I still don’t. I don’t know what it is about them that keep them such an enigma to me, but if you want to retire in style, do the opposite of what I say here. Or do exactly what I say, since I’ve already pointed out my incompetence with anything involving the Jets and have adjusted accordingly. Whatever. I think the Jags will win, which means they won’t. More likely they will win but not cover. Yes, this is what would happen if I had money on the Jags in this game: They would win by a field goal kicked from 50 yards out with no time left on the clock leaving me impotent with rage and muttering into my Bloody Mary while their fans dance on the field.

Kansas City (-3) Arizona
I do not bet on rookie quarterbacks making their first start, and you shouldn’t either. It’s never a pretty picture, and it won’t be this time around either (This is where MYCUE chimes in to point out that Dan Marino was the bestest, smartest, handsomest, most wonderful QB EVER in his VERY FIRST GAME!!! Don’t encourage him!).

San Francisco (-3.5) Oakland
Is this game even going to involve any actual football? Do we really need to sit through three hours of this? I guess it will be interesting to see if, for the first time in history, both teams find a way to lose. When all else fails, I guess you have to go with the home team, so it’s nice that they play like 20 minutes from each other. I guess you should take San Francisco if you really have to bet on something and you can’t find two guys tossing around a Nerf ball to wager on.

Philadelphia (-2) Dallas
I really, really fucking hate the Eagles. Absolutely everything about them. When that commercial for Invincible came on TV, I would have to change the channel, because I cannot stand the sight of anyone being happy about anything good happening to a football team in Philadelphia. I was thrilled to see them turn into the Bills of the NFC championship game and just as happy to see them bitterly disappointed after the Super Bowl. I have never eaten a Philly Cheesesteak or seen the Liberty Bell. I have a similar, visceral reaction to TO (I remember him dancing on the Star like it was yesterday.), but he’s kind of one of us now, so I have to not hate him quite so much anymore. It kills me that a Dallas victory here would be all about Owens, but I can think of few things prettier than seeing the Eagles lose at home to their new archenemy. I don’t put money on Dallas games, and I live in fear of jinxing them some how, so I will not be picking this game. Hate me if you will, but there’s a higher power at work here.

San Diego (-3) Pittsburgh
I once got drunk in Oxford, Ohio and made out with the backup QB at Miami in a cornfield (I think. It was some kind of field, and we got lost in it). It was some time ago, and I have no idea what his name was, but let’s go ahead and say it was Ben Roethlisberger, because that makes for a better story. Poor Ben, though, has had a tough off season, and Pittsburgh overall just looks kind of blah (Yes, MYCUE, it’s this kind of in-depth analysis that I’ve been failing to provide for the past four weeks.). I’m taking San Diego, because I think last week was a fluke. I’m going to give the Chargers one more week to prove that my confidence in them is not unfounded.

Denver (-4) Ravens
Plummer is, was, and will always be a disappointment. Not to me—I’ve hated that guy for too long to have any sort of faith in him now—but to his fans, or at least the people who haven’t been disappointed by him yet. Still, the Broncos are at home, and they’re coming off a bye. The Ravens are due to slip a little after last week. The last time I was in Denver I had an awesome time with my cousin. The last time I was in Baltimore my wallet was stolen, and someone must pay for that.