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there’s a place in
America where a kid
doesn’t discuss batting averages with his boys as he waits in line to walk through the metal detectors at school. a place where the same kid
doesn’t worry about what color hat he has on, and whether he needs to change it before heading to the park in someone else’s turf. yes, somewhere, far, far away from hustle and bustle of midtown traffic a child is playing catch with his father in the backyard, and only thinking one thing:
i hope dad drops one before i do.
the grass is just as green here as it is in Yankee stadium. only the kid
doesn’t appreciate it. because grass is supposed to be green where this kid lives, there’s plenty of it, and he’s well aware of it because his one job on
Saturday is to mow it.
(cue soft, whiny violin music)
i don’t expect you to understand it. many of you haven’t stepped foot out of
Manhattan since
Clinton was running things, Cecil Fielder was on first base, and gray’s papaya only charged $1.50 for two dogs and a drink (the recession special was awesome).
sure, you went home for a holiday or two. you spent the time explaining to your aunt
Edna that six friends with part-time jobs could never afford a place that big near central park—even if it was rent controlled. and if you’re traveled, you might have even visited someplace you described around the water-cooler as “quaint”. but chances are, you haven’t lived middle
America in quite some time.
this is middle
America. beaming with values. chock-full of morals. completely devoid of dirt, grit, and struggling passion. i’
ve found myself in the middle of it for 345 days, 3 hours, and 17 minutes. and from what i can tell, everywhere but NY is
bosox country.
i could continue but since the season is over, here are my NFL picks:
Minnesota at
Chicagothis will come down to how well the viking running backs can fare against the bears d-line. duh. vikings come out big.
Adrian Peterson has a career game.
the line says bears. smart money is on the vikings (and by smart, i mean slightly inebriated and highly-delusional). but look forward to
Robbie Gould having two 50+ yard field goals and possibly a blocked
xpa.
Miami at
ClevelandCleveland is favored. unfortunately,
griese has been sucking down
cosmo’s since the final game of the
ALDS. and we all know what a few days of
cosmo-drinking can do to your judgement. one time, i passed out on the f train and woke up in
Weehawken. try explaining that one. anyhow, take
Miami. they have prettier colors.
Washington at green bay
green bay is 4-1 (they won 80% of their games). the redskins are 3-1 (and only won 75% of their games). i’m no
statistician, but 80 is bigger than 75. logic says go with green bay.
unfortunately,
Favre's cataracts are going to act up and most of his passes are going to be short. i’d put half my money on green bay, half my money on
Washington, and just pray for a tie.
Cincinnati at
Kansas city
no one wins because they are both losers--regardless of the line.
Tennessee at
Tampa bay
whenever you hear the words, “
Vince young,” do you also hear
Eddie Murphy impersonating a middle-aged, obese woman chanting, “he’s the man, he’s the man, he’s the man?” i guess i’m the only one. despite the odds, take
Tennessee. superman will “will” them to victory.
st.
Louis at
Baltimorethis match up was something i was looking forward to when they released the schedules last year. now, not so much. take
Baltimore. take the points. take the game off and spend some time with a loved one. or call your grandma. she
hasn’t heard from you for a long time anyway.
Houston at
Jacksonvillekubiac is the greatest coach ever. period.
elway is proof of that (he won
superbowls when
kubiac was sending in signals). end of story. unless
Houston is on the road, playing a team with only three syllables. jack-son-ville is favored in this one.
Jacksonville wins, but only by a field goal.
dayne has 100 yards. and some loser proposes to his wife during half-time. unfortunately, she’s stuck in line trying to buy him a chili-dog. “the thought matters” principle is tested and finally breaks, forever ending quips from chip in the mail room. so we got that going for us, which is nice.
Philadelphia at
NY jets
when in doubt, take the home team, unless they are playing in another team’s home stadium. yeah, the jet’s are screwed. but look at it this way, 36% of new yorkers won’t be complaining about the
Yankees.
Carolina at
Arizonaarizona is favored here. if it
weren’t for the fact that i really have to go to the bathroom, i’d try to find out why. regardless,
kurt warner is starting. this is a guy who bagged groceries to make ends meet for his wife and seven children while he waited for his one shot in the
nfl, only to get it, get named
nfl mvp twice, and then sent to bench. how can this go wrong for
arizona? take them.
Oakland at
San Diegosan diego is favored large. but this is the
afc west (which used to stand for something). i’m going out on a limb here taking the raiders.
btw: LT fails to live up to the hype once again. sit him in your fantasy leagues.
New
England at
DallasJesus, how many games are there? i’
ve been writing for like an hour now. damn.
brady is a better field general than
romo. moss and
owens cancel each other out. folk has a career game. and that’s the problem. the cowboys don’t find the end zone. pats by 7 plus.
New
Orleans at
Seattleremember that girl you met at summer camp back in 6
th grade? the two of you wrote each other constantly through the ensuing school year? compliments turned into flirtation? pictures were exchanged. yet, you
couldn't explain to your buddies why she was always wearing the same outfit? then, summer camp came around again, and you got the courage to sneak out of the cabin, steal a canoe, and head over to the other side of the lake to see her? remember how disappointed you where when you found out she was a boy? yeah, same thing. this match-up had a amazing promise, long, long, ago.
take
Seattle, if only because they are home.
NY Giants at
Atlantai’
ve already told you that jets will lose. which means that some
NY sports team has to win. the
Yankees are done playing for the year. by default, the giants win.
Tiki barber steals the show with two off-color comments about the coaching staff.
well, there you have it.
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